Yesterday
While I love the month August, I hate Septembers. Nothing spirals me down as fast and as horrible as Septembers. Next week is my father's birthday and his 3rd anniversary. How did that happen so fast? How did I survive these 3 years? I have no idea. It feels like yesterday that I was bitching to him about my then bossy boss.
He never say much during those bitching sessions. Just quietly providing a listening ear. And I realised that I have grown to be exactly like him. My mum says she sees him in me. I want to thank god for that. Which also translates her words into, she sees me as a pillar. I love being a pillar, even though it can be over whelming at times. I can only say that I will try my best.
For those of you who thought that I have always had a stable relationship with my father, it is not the case. We have a normal father and daughter relationship. Contradictary. I grew up really to be in awe for him, because he was the father that no one else's ever come close. He was there when I was sick, he was there for my every birthday, he was always there. You know, quite unlike the usual fathers whose work take them away from their children.
Towards the last 5 years, he fell ill. And needed daily dialysis to survive. Suddenly he was no longer the man who plays badminton with me. He was no longer the guy who goes for daily jogs with us. I saw a tall, dark knight with a head of wavy black hair wither into an old man who is dependent. I went into a series of denial. Then anger. I was angry at him for being a different man. Then I got angry at myself for getting angry at him. Because everything is, seriously beyond our control. I remembered the nights when he went into coma, I kicked the hospital bed, screaming at him to wake up. That it wasn't fair, that he couldn't just left us like this. He did get better. He was a strong man, his will power pulled him through for another 4 months before he was taken away peacefully in his sleep. I remembered going to bed the night before thanking god for the wonderful life because dad was well now, job was ok, family was really enjoying time together. I still thank god for giving us a chance to be father and daughter. A chance that no money can buy.
In our next lives, you will be the patch of grass by the highway, and I will be the little white flower by your side.
He never say much during those bitching sessions. Just quietly providing a listening ear. And I realised that I have grown to be exactly like him. My mum says she sees him in me. I want to thank god for that. Which also translates her words into, she sees me as a pillar. I love being a pillar, even though it can be over whelming at times. I can only say that I will try my best.
For those of you who thought that I have always had a stable relationship with my father, it is not the case. We have a normal father and daughter relationship. Contradictary. I grew up really to be in awe for him, because he was the father that no one else's ever come close. He was there when I was sick, he was there for my every birthday, he was always there. You know, quite unlike the usual fathers whose work take them away from their children.
Towards the last 5 years, he fell ill. And needed daily dialysis to survive. Suddenly he was no longer the man who plays badminton with me. He was no longer the guy who goes for daily jogs with us. I saw a tall, dark knight with a head of wavy black hair wither into an old man who is dependent. I went into a series of denial. Then anger. I was angry at him for being a different man. Then I got angry at myself for getting angry at him. Because everything is, seriously beyond our control. I remembered the nights when he went into coma, I kicked the hospital bed, screaming at him to wake up. That it wasn't fair, that he couldn't just left us like this. He did get better. He was a strong man, his will power pulled him through for another 4 months before he was taken away peacefully in his sleep. I remembered going to bed the night before thanking god for the wonderful life because dad was well now, job was ok, family was really enjoying time together. I still thank god for giving us a chance to be father and daughter. A chance that no money can buy.
In our next lives, you will be the patch of grass by the highway, and I will be the little white flower by your side.
3 Comments:
Do something he wouldve enjoyed on that day.for you both.(hugs)
You have such wonderful memories of your father. I feel so unworthy to be a dad myself. I am my missus's third child. Poor woman.
gothcat,
That's a great idea. We love watching korean soap together. Will go for a korean movie on that day. Just me and dad.
simple amercian,
some people may not be the greatest husbands or sons, but they can be the best fathers.
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